The Red Notebook (transcribed)

 TRIGGER WARNINGS: Swearing, inter-species erotica, name calling, Barb shaming, words you cannot use in polite company, and decimation of a corpse.

DISCLAIMER: What is about to happen is weird and crazy. We were 16/17 and it was 2001. None of this is serious or intended to be offensive. 

K and I had this notebook that we wrote back and forth in when we were in 11th grade English together. Enjoy! 

~At my house~ 

K- hey, what's up, Jamie? Let's kill things. I wub you, K. 

J-NO! You die mother fucker!!!What the hell are we watching? 

K-Some show with dumbasses and snot monkeys. 

J- Beavis and Butthead? 

K- No, this is scary. 

J- I think she just asked if anyone would like to put their hand in her small intestine, that's scarier than scary. 

K- I think whatever made this show was doped up, tripping, or dying. 

J- Somethin like that. So *anyways* what's up? 

K- your penis. 

J- my penis is an inverted man penis; I think it is impossible to become erect. 

K- my bad. Did Santa just come out of that toothpaste bottle? 

J- He's a guardian angel, weren't you paying attention? 

K- No, I was too busy playing with myself. 

J-In my house? PERVERT! 

K-yeah, I'J sick like that. 

J-dirty bastard! gotta pee, I'll be back. 

(K draws a picture of a cow, and I come back) 

J- you're mean! 

K- why? 

J-cause you made that cow look like stupidness. 

K-sorry. 

J- K, you are pure evil! People are saying that a horse in a wheelchair is offensive, that's weird. 

K- Horses suck. If I could be a fruit, I'd be a kiwi. Hey, I got a joke, why do you wrap your hamster in electrical tape? 

J- why? 

K- So it doesn't explode when you fuck it! 

J- That's gross, K, even for you. Ok, what's funnier than a horse in a wheelchair? 

K-What? J- A horse in a wheelchair fucking a hamster bound in electrical tape. 

K- good one! What's green and yellow and eats nuts? 

J- A parrot I think, anyway, what? 

K- gonorrhea. 

J-Sick, K, what the fuck is wrong with you? You dang weirdo. 

K-How do you make a baby run faster? 

J- how? 

K-Chase it with a lawnmower. 

J-You're very mean. Why did the chicken cross the road? 

K-Why?

J-to get away from the horse in a wheelchair with an electrical tapped hamster on his

dinger. 

K-Why do you hit the mailman over the head? 

J-Why? 

K-So he doesn't have sex with your electrical tapped hamster. 

J-What happened to the horse that walked into a bar? 

K-What? 

J-He got put in a wheelchair. (I drew a picture of a horse walking into a bar, not the drinking kind. And K drew a hamster on his penis) 

J-You are a damn pervert. I love you. Keep um cummin. 

K-What happened to the female dentist that walked into the bar? 

J-What? 

K-She was raped by a horse. 

J-What do you call K babysitting a 12 year old boy? 

K-I don't wanna know. 

J-sure ya do. 

K-Jamie 

J- NO! You call it another sleepless night. 

K-What happens to Jamie when she sleeps in the barn? 

J-K shows up and fucks all the animals! 

K-NO! She wakes up with a horse dick up her ass. 

J-Is it K's? 

K- If your lucky *wink wink* 

J-no, if I'm lucky It’d be your mom's. 

K-uh..... yea 

J-What do you call K and Jamie locked in a dungeon for 8 years? 

K-fat. 

J-­ Depends on what you wanna name your grandchildren. 

K-cool where's the dungeon? 

J-­ There is no dungeon, K, it's a joke based on a "what if' situation. 

K-Damn! You're not good enough for me anyways. 

J- I know my penis isn't big enough to fit in your stretched out asshole. 

K-Watch it, or you'll wake up with my penis poking you in the eye (then he drew that happening) 

J-I think my sister is subtly hitting on you. 

K-I'll run. 

J- aww, why? I think she likes you. 

K-No. 

J-aww, what happened to the jokes? 

K-Why do frogs hop instead of walk? 

J-why? 

K-because they were raped in the ass by a horse with a hamster on his dick. 

J-How do you turn on a horse in a wheelchair? 

K- how? 

J-Show it a nude picture of K with an electrical tapped hamster. 

K-How do you make a horse run faster? 

J-How? 

K-show it a picture of Jamie with an electrical tapped hamster up her cunt. 

J- Oh yeah? How do you get K to eat shit? 

K-How? 

J-Spray Jamie's perfume on it! 

K-Why does Jamie sing who let the dogs out?

 (I don't try to answer that joke until later at school, so you all just have to wait!)'

Me - This is the page we skipped. So, K, how do you make a dog like Wolfy walk backwards? 

K-How? 

J-I was hoping you could tell me. It's not a joke, I really want to see your dog walk backwards......right off a cliff J/k. 

K-­ You just push him backwards, then he gets pissed off and bites you, it sux. 

J- Your dog is soooo dumb, no offense. *anyways* a guy walks into a bar and says aww, ouch, geez, that hurt. teeheeheee. 

K-A chick walks into a bar and sez "ouch, there's a horse penis up my ass" and the horse sez "sorry I thought you were a hamster" then she exploded because she wasn't wrapped in electrical tape. 

~At School the next day~ 

J- Gimme a sip of your coffee or die. 

K­ DIE! 

J- So what do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros? 

K-I dunno. 

J-Elifino. 

K-Barb's gunna punch me in the face. 

J-AND SHE SHOULD! 

K-You suck 

J-No, You suck, fat nuts! 

K-You suck more, fat ass! 

J-I don't have a fat ass, cause it's all in your fat nuts, fat nuts! 

K-Your just jealous you don't have big fat nuts! 

J-The only reason you have fat nuts is cause of my fat ass! 

(K draws a stick figure of me with a fat ass) 

J-We should dye your hair black! 

K-Yes we should. 

J-When is your next day off?

K-Saturday. 

J-ummm I probably won't be around. 

K-We could do it next week then.

J-Otay. I think it'll look pretty. 

K-Kewl. 

(paid attention in class for a bit) 

J-yeah, people usually do try to find the nookie near Christmas. 

K-yeah, weirdos. 

J-It is human nature. People fear being alone, especially when it seems like everyone has someone. 

K-yeah, humans are dumb

~Still at School~ 

(I draw an arrow pointing to "Why does Jamie sing who let the dogs out?") 

J-Was the answer because I'm dumb? 

K-yea 

J-fuck you! can you read my cursive? 

K-yea 

J-good! do you know what to do on this stupid thing? 

K-no, ask Barb 

J-I'm bored, I don't wanna do this stupidness!!!!! 

K-Ahhhhhhhh! Me too! This sucks! 

J-I quit! stupid ass worksheet thing. We'll let Barb do it, and then beg her to let us copy it later, K? 

K-Good Idea, I quit too! 

J-My purple pen is almost gone, look. 

K-I got to work today and tomorrow. 

J­ Sucks to be you, huh? grrr!!! 

K-My arm looks really gross

~Some other day at school~ 

J - Did you know vodka is the strongest form of alcohol? Mmmm vodka. Fat man in a little coat! dude, ok, if my emancipation bar mitzvah pony ride is cancelled my carburetor will blow up my kitchen table and my penis will shrink 8 inches and become DUM!DUM!DUM!

......THE INVERTED MAN PENIS! But yeah, fortunately you have the interplanetary transmitter with you now. Correct? Now, contact space command and get permission to blow up Mars. Then when your mission is almost complete eat some shit, right? whatever... 

K- (cave man voice) yea, K tired. K need sleep. 

J- ooooooh, K sucks. 

K-.............shut up!.

J-NNNOOOOOO!!! 

K- k, you suck more. I win because you suck the most! No one sucks more than you. You suck more than anyone possibly can ever in the whole world, I win. BOOYA! 

J- K, you’re either really dumb or mentally challenged. 

K-You’re just jealous you’re not a freakin genius like me. 

J-There is a fine line between genius and insanity, K. 

K-I play hopscotch on that line. I'm an insane genius. I spray the bird and do genius stuff. I rule. 

J-­ Spraying the bird? K, You're fucking dumb. I can't believe you admitted to that. You dang sicko. Do you know that when you put the bird in the bathtub you can spray it a lot at once? and my finger gets stuck up the sink faucet sometimes, cause my plot driver is broken sometimes. My penis got stuck up there once, it felt cool! 

K-One time I went to school, and it was really cold, and I peed on the flagpole and slipped, and my penis got stuck on it, like when your tongue gets stuck on a flagpole when you lick it. So anyway, they called the police and tried to pry it off with a crowbar, but it didn't work so they poured hot water on it and it hurt. 

J-OOOOoooooooook. I'm scared for you. Do you like to CAUTERIZE your penis? You should AVERT yourself from that. I think you are EGOTISTICAL about your penis. You should focus on the GLUTEAL a little every now and then. I will IMPEL you to find an alternative. You need to LAVE your penis daily.

*any words you can't figure out look in the orange book glossary. 

K-You smell like cat poop. 

J-You're dumb, You're the most insane fucking human I have ever encountered. Your breath smells like penis butter, and your lips look like a horse, and you're fat! and your nose is big and your farts smell like a paper mill. You're so fucking stupid, mean, ignorant, envious, and wrong! I hate you forever! Lick my balls. 

K-MY HOSE IS NOT BIG. YOU LYING SACK OF SHIT. You've never even seen my hose! We just use it in the summer to water the lawn and spray the dog! I can't believe you made fun of my hose. What the hell is wrong with you? Go back to England and drink tea and shower less and drive funny!!! 

J- I can drink tea here, and I don't drive funny, and I shower at least twice a fucking day!

*anyway* yesterday I touched his frank. Do you feel like I know what I'm hearing while I read my own words? 

K-yesterday you touched what? His frank? who's frank? what's going on? AAAAAhh! my head hurts!!! 

J-Do you feel like you know what you’re hearing while you read your own words? 

K-You still didn't say who frank is! Who the hell is Frank and why were you touching him? I don't get it! Why do you keep making my head hurt?!?! AAAAAAAAAH! !!! Yes I do feel like I know what I'm hearing when I read my words.

J-Then I ask you, why must I repeat them if you do hear what I'm writing to you in my own words? Especially when his frank was eaten by the lop tailed monster demons from outside Jupiter. How hard is it to comprehend? 

K-Because when it gets to the part about Frank it sounds like .......because I couldn't read your cursive. 

J-1 wasn't writing in cursive, stupid! Read my asshole and clean my book. 

K-READ YOUR ASSHOLE AND CLEAN YOUR BOTTLE?!?!?!? What kind of a sick bitch are you? you must be on some crazy weird drugs. You are fucked up in the head with a capital "ucked"!!!! 

J- Oh yea, well at least my belly button's not full of cottage cheese. 

K-Yeah right, you have more cheese in your belly button than a '\cheese farm. 

J-At least I don't have a hamburger in there too! like some people! 

K – BARB!

Barb - Yeah well both of you suck! ERRR! I'm going to be Famous! 

Me to Barb-Everybody wants to be naked and famous. 

Me to K­ why did you have to get her involved in this, That's not nice! 

K-Yea, Barb wants to be naked, she wants to make porno!! Naked porno!!. 

~In school The day of The Offspring Concert~ 

J-Tonight is gonna rock. I can't fuckin' wait! yeah! I've never had to buy concert tickets. Never! At the ska concert I went to, some dude gave us comps, and Metallica, Mike Dinsmore brought me and his brothers. And NIN Ross brought me. All the rest were free.*anyways* I can't fuckin' wait, it's gonna kick all ass! HOORAY! 

K-Hell yea it will, but technically you did buy the tickets because you spent 20 dollars to get them. 

J-but I didn't pay $60 that it would've costed. $40 off isn't buying it's winning. But yeah poop! Jamie is excited. I had eggs and pancakes, and sausage and bacon for breakfast. mmmmmm! penis, I say! K farts a lot. Ha, ha! 

K­ I do not, I probably put stamps on your boobs like Barb! 

J-You put stamps on my boobs? In your dreams! 

K-Damnit, I meant to say "you probably put stamps on your boobs like Barb" 

J-Now why would I do a blonde thing like that? 

K-because your dumb and weird like Barb! 

J-No, I'm weirder than Barb. Barb's the typical 11th grader. I'm a psycho! 

K-You freaking nut bag. So are you going to mosh tonight, sense we got floor seats? 

J-maybe, most likely. 

K-blah 

J-wow K, you learned how to write on the backside of a page. Great Job! 

K-Yeah, I'm proud. 

J- me too. My lips are very chapped. 

K-haha sucks for you

 ~Another Day At School~ 

J-K- moo!  - love Jamie 

K-Jamie=cow 

J-What the fuck is your problem you sex crazed psychopath from the interplanetary design of plutonic matter, fat! 

K- zuh? 

J-You must answer in the form of a question: "The poop that ran away" is a subtitle to this Hollywood novel by Yourm Other. 

K-What is licking the cat's butt? 

J-That's sooo wrong. Now you ask an answer. 

K-A webbed footed crap eating fat ass. 

J-What is Keith Ontario Triathlon? 

K- I'm sorry but the correct answer is "What is Kyle's mom?" 

J- An insane, violent, hypocrite, obsessed with what he called the superior race, ironic because of his clashing traits to this obsession. 

K-What is a penguin? 

J-The correct answer is "Who is Hitler?" duh, Your go. 

K-A penis obsessed, violent, split personality, weird ass who sits near K.

J-Who the hell is Barbera Bright? 

K- correct You Win!! 

M­ A bleach blonde piece of shit, otherwise known as the bulimic meth whore. 

K-Who is porn star Barb? 

J-Tiffany! 

K-You’re mean, Jamie, You don't know she's bulimic. 

J- she was over at R's last night after he told me he couldn't have anyone over. lyin ass. So new answer for me to question now! 

K-A thing, with a color, a shape, and it does stuff.

J- Oooh I know this one! Who is George Lincoln? 

K- I'm sorry but the correct answer was "what is a tank?" 

J-A cool teacher who is nice and gives everybody good grades just because she loves them. 

K-who is…I don't know. 

J-The answer is "What is in your dreams?"

K- (draws a dog peeing on a dead guy with an arrow pointing to it) A dog peeing on a dead guy. 

J-What is sick?

K-No! you lose! 

J-A 98-year-old big busted male with a Johnson the size of a… penis. 

K-(draws the same picture) a dog peeing on a dead guy?

J-Wrong! the answer is "who framed roger rabbit?" 

K-The name of mount Rushmore’s third designing aerodynamic, purple turtle shell times pi 

J- What is a C-A-T? 

K-Sorry but the correct answer is "What is a duck?" 

J-Ok the answer is anyone who would call themselves a revolutionary must follow this tyrant. 

K-Who is Megatron? 

J-Bah weep gra na weep ninnee bah. 

K-Ba weep gra na weep ninne bah. Where is my energon goodie? 

M – I ate it! 

K-You Bitch! I'll kill you! That was my energon goodie! What the hell is wrong with you?!

J-I'm a selfish, dirty, whore, slut, cunt, of a mother fucker, eating my own vomit and vile matter for the good of no other purpose than to please my selfish fetishes that I would die had anyone learned of them......oops 

K-.................ewwwwww. 

J-You Suck! 

K-I'd rather suck than suck more like you do!

J-You’re stupid, dumb, ignorant, soulless, envious, outcast, bastard of a mother fucking ignoramus. Putrid vile, uncanny, and just plain sexy piece of shit you are! 

K- I'J not fat! 

J-You're dumb! 

K-You’re fat! 

J-dude, I never called you fat! 

K-Stop calling me fat, you'll lower my self-esteem and I'll turn into a nut bar! 

J- (Highlighted "uncanny, and just plain sexy piece of shit you are") reread the highlighted! 

K-Jamie eats cows. 

J-I like chicken too! 

K­ stop eating cow brains! 

J-ewwww... you have a sick imagination. 

K- (draws a stick figure representing me) Jamie eating cow brains 

J- You made that up! 

K-No way! There's a picture! It's proof! 

J-You drew that! It's not real! 

K-yes it is! I used my own camera to do it! 

J-YOU DON'T HAVE A FUCKING CAMERA AND IF YOU DID IT WOULDN'T DRAW STUFF IN GREEN! MY HAIR IS NOT GREEN, K! YOU'RE DUMB! 

K-Your hair is too green! the picture proves it, My camera rules! I win! 

J-FUCK YOU! I win. 

K-FUCK YOU! I WIN! YOU'RE MEAN! 

J- SO ARE YOU, YOU SUCK!!!! FUCK YOU!!! the end.